Happy, Free, Confused, and Lonely.

Happy as in even when life knocks me down I can find lil things to smile about. Free because I run and feel the air against me. I can scream. I can love. I can breathe without some body else operating me. Confused because am lost in life still not quite sure where am headed and as I don't still quite understand life and am trying to find my way. Lonely because I'm alone on my own. And I'm like a song. Lonely isn't bad. You don't always need company to be happy. Sometimes alone time is all you need to gather your thoughts and see where life's taking ya.
I'm just a boy trying to find a place in this world. And being Happy, Free, Confused and Lonely is magical with a hint of misery. But misery is what makes me. ME.

I Miss You.

I quite don't know how to begin this because no matter what I think of it just doesn't quite fit. See the thing is this post. This blog it's about my grandmother. She passed away when I was just 6. Young and free. At that age I didn't even quite understand what I had lost. I just sat in my uncle's house playing with my cousins smiling and laughing while the funeral was taking place downstairs. Then my mum came grabbed my little hand and brought me downstairs and told me 'she's about to be buried this is the last time you'll see her.' I saw her laying there.  Peaceful and white, she looked like an angel. Yet I did not feel the emotion I wish I would've felt but seeing her down like that but I did cry. Not much just a bit. Seeing her like that. Today though when I think of her I cry, cry alot. Hell last time I didn't even celebrate my birthday cause that entire week all I could think of was her and how I wish she was here to celebrate it with me. She had a lively spirit. She didn't know much about science and space but she knew alot about the world and love. On my 4th birthday she bought me a Nintendo. I still keep it with me. Though I never play it. My mum even says Roshail give it away. Maybe someone less fortunate could play with it but I can't it's the only thing I have which my grandma gave me. It's a sign of love and her affection. You know as a kid I rarely spent much time with her. Today I wish I had one day. Just one day when I could be with her. You know.. like just talk to her. Ask her about life and the adventures she had. Her experiences, some advice,  her favourites.  I just wish I could know her more. Just see her smile again, stare in her eyes and actually notice the colour that her eyes had. Hug her and say I missed you grandma. Tell her I loved her and show her how far I've come. Show her my result on O'levels. Bake her a cake. Just show much how much I love her. Make up for lost time. Do as much as possible. Innocent and young I betrayed my heart. Old and hurt I wish I had known more.

Life... a blessing? Or a curse?

Life is like a chess game. It gets complicated at the worst of times, and sometimes you have no idea where to go or what to do you're just lost. Dropping into a wide open, huge abyss. But that's why we have to keep  trying. We have to push through all that hurt, work past all our memories that are haunting us. Sometimes the things that hurt us are the things that make us strongest. A life without experience, in my opinion, is no life at all. And that's why I tell everyone that, even when it hurts, never stop yourself from living. Instead try and make the pain your own. Use it as an ally to be a better person rather than letting it be a wrecking ball taking apart your soul. Embrace the pain use at as an inspiration. Learn from your scars and light up your life. My life was carried by pillars. Guess what happens when those very pillars collide against one another? Your world comes crashing down. Nothing seems right and all you wanna do is say goodnight just one final time but you don't cause admist all the chaos one or two of those pillars still stand, stand for you, keeping you off the edge.

Death

Do any one of you ever wonder what death would be like? How it would feel? What would it be like to be....... dead? How's life gonna be after death? Will it be a misery? Or will it be a peaceful rest where you feel no pain, no fear. Death..... it scares me. I am afraid of it. I am afraid to die. Not because am afraid of leaving this world but because an afraid of what the next world has to offer. Some people believe we'll come back to this world after we die to live life once again. I don't believe that's gonna be the case. I think when the body dies and the soul leaves it is not going to come back unless it comes back in the same body, as the same person. I sat up last night just thinking where am I gonna go when I die? Will I sit all alone in a grave surrounded by insects all alove helpless. The very thought of that made my feet go cold, sweat pour down my face and my body shiver. Maybe.... it might be good. Maybe I'll go to heaven and enjoy. Have the fresh wind blow through my hair. Smile. Be happy. I don't even know. I mean am so confused because the fact is we all have to cross over one day or another and I really wish I could see where I was headed. Helpless and weak I am human indeed. The boundaries I cannot cross, the knowledge I seek just can't be sought. Death will one day embrace me with arms spread wide and wrap me up in the acts which I have done and then only will I find the answers I yearn for. Here's to hoping those answers resemble my dreams more than my nightmares. 

Love

We have to allow ourselves to be loved by the people who really love us, the people who really matter. Too much of the time, we are blinded by our own pursuits of people to love us, people that don't even matter, while all that time we waste and the people who do love us have to stand on the sidewalk and watch us beg in the streets! It's time to put an end to this. It's time for us to let ourselves be loved. Love is not an equation, it is not a contract, and it is not a happy ending. Love is the slate under the chalk, the ground that buildings rise, and the oxygen in the air. It is the place you come back to, no matter where you are headed because love is not a want it's a need.
I believe everyone of us dreams and hallucinates about love because it's something that fascinates us. That moment when you see that old couple sitting hand in hand and smiling. That happiness,  that joy, that feeling I think it is the one drug which we all crave. Like water it's a necessity. Now the question that comes is that how far will one go in search of love? To say that one waits a lifetime for his soulmate to come around is a paradox. People eventually get sick of waiting, take a chance on someone, and by the art of commitment become soul mates, and spend there lives together perfecting the imperfections of there relationships.
They say a good love is one that sits you down, gives you a drink of water, and pats you on top of the head. But I say a good love is one that casts you into the wind, sets you ablaze, makes you burn through the skies and ignite the night like a phoenix, the kind that cuts you loose like a wildfire and you can't stop running simply because you keep on burning everything that you touch! I say that's a good love, one that burns and flies, and you run with it! Simply because you're soo entangled in it. You're enchanted by it. Love is supposed to be finding your other part. Funny thing is I believe it's getting lost in it and all the feelings that come with it. It's free falling with no parachute. It's the rush, it's the freedom, it's love.

18, now.

17, the words on my lips as the winds of times change once again. People say legal? I say pressure. People say party,  I say heartache, people say this is the time of your life,  I just look to the time when my eyes are closed and dreams are reality. More complicated than any body will ever know, too encoded,  for anyone to try and decode. Fighting my demons alone and will forever be doing so.
Marriage soon they say? Never I say.
Me, myself and I. Forever. Hollow shells and rusty halos.